We are working really hard on rebulidng everything that has been damaged the past two years. This is hard work – it really is – and I am learning a lot of things about myself — issues that developed as a result of just trying to survive.

I feel like I have him back. I really do!

Yesterday he promised me no drinking. Thursday he had slipped and drank during the day. Wednesday he drank during the day, because he was “relieved to have you gone” when I went to help my daughter’s class, and drank a twelve back plus got in his car in the middle of the night to get more. Friday was supposed to be the day that he got back on track. We spent the entire day together and he didn’t have a drop. He took me out on a date. We put up Christmas lights. It was quite lovely. He came home from work and we hung out together, doing our own thing. He tucked me in. I felt relief. I was proud of him. He told me he wasn’t going to drink and he kept his word. I was really proud of him – happy. I thought Ok, he slipped. He realized it. He didn’t mean for it to happen. He is proving that to me. Maybe I CAN put faith in him. Maybe we are going to be alright afterall. I went to bed, feeling content.  I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and he was sleeping on the couch. This is not something unusual for us – him sleeping on the couch. We have a twin bed for the both of us to share. The house was cold so I went and retrieved a blanket for him, because he didn’t have one. I covered him up, gave him a kiss, and there it was – that smell. He drank. So I asked him about it. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have, but I did. He said he wasn’t going to talk to me about it and that the feeling of being checked up on and all was getting to him. Well, then don’t do things to make me lose trust in you like brake your word, sneak around, and lie to my face. You earn trust. You have broken my trust. It is your job to earn it again.

So off he went to go get smokes. And beer. He sat out in his car drinking it.

So, I talked to him. I told him how I married him only on the condition that alcohol didn’t cause problems with us. I told him that he had given me his word. I asked him when his word was going to mean something. If I cannot trust him to not drink when he says he isn’t going to, how can I trust him when he says he loves me, or when he comforts me and tells me that everything is going to be alright. I told him that he could either get help himself or else I was going to call he city attorney and have the charges that were dismissed reinstated. The city attorney suggested to me before that making him complete a rehabilitation treatment be a condition on the dismissal of charges, but told me that I had six months and could have the case heard.  He told me that if I did that, he was going to call my ex-husband, the man that sexually abused my daughter, and tell him about his drinking problem so he had that ammunition to use to try to obtain custody of my little girl. Unbelievable.

Ok, let’s analyze this exchange:

I tell him I am going to legally hold him accountable for something that he did to me that is against the law and a blatant disrespect  of me. He was uncontrollable and a monster and was a man he said he would never be. He did that t himself by having the issues he does, by not taking care of his issues, never seeking proper help, and drinking his anger. He violently attacked me. He did so in front of my daughter. These are decisions he made.

My daughter on the other hand, an innocent child of eight years of age, didn’t ask to be victimized by my former husband. She didn’t have any voice. She was preyed upon by a sick individual. Sending her, or even creating the potential for that to happen, to the man that sexually abused her and has haunted her in dreams is absolutely uncalled and ridiculous. Not only that, how can  you say you love a little girl when you would do something like that simply to screw over her mother?

He then went on to say that he was the best man I could ever get. I countered, telling him I have dated men far better than him. Ok, that was me being spiteful – hurting him or attempting to – because he had said things about my daughter, about my weight, and about an opportunity I am actually very excited about – mocking it.

He eventually passed out.

I woke him up this morning to go to the holiday parade. He was still stinging over my comment about dating men far better than him. I admit, it was cruel to say, however I have heard much worse things come out of his mouth – directed towards me, and have been expected to just get over it the next day when he is sober. Apparently because I said it while I was sober, I made an incredible mistake that could not be forgiven. Let’s not forget about all of the venom he has thrown my way WHILE SOBER to get me to leave him alone. But, when the tables are turned, shame on me. Eventually he accepted my apology and then went on to say he believes I really think that. He hates when people tell him what he thinks or feels, but again, he will do to me the one thing he hates.

I tried speaking with him, just so we could enjoy our day – so we could have a good Saturday. He got his shoes on. said he had to get out of here, and left. Before I left, I asked him to please promise me he wouldn’t drink. He mumbled he promised. Whenever he finds a reason to leave on Saturdays, though, the bar is where he ends up. So, I am positive he will come back here, smelling of beer, hating himself for drinking, but feeding that ridiculous self-loathing with the thing that makes him feel bad in the first place.

He found my blog. He was pretty upset about it. I told hm that I have a right to express myself and how this affects me. I have a right to receive support. It isnt just his life this affects, it is my life, too.

I find myself emotionally detaching. I see how my mom dealt with it so long. She was detached. I wish I could emotionally detach completely, so he didnt have the ability to hurt me. A few days ago, he told me that I was the most valuable thing in his life, the only valuable thing, and he doesnt know what he would do without me – yet he keeps behaving in a way that eventually is sure to make want to flee from him and this life.

He needs to get on his medication. There is a direct link between his alcohol use and his medication, whether he wants to admit it or not. In speaking with those that know him and will be honest with me, I am told that he turns into someone different off of his medication. That would explain him being more vulnerable to drink his problems away instead of dealing with it.

What kills me the most about all of this is how incredibtly understanding, supportive, and encouraging I have been of him. I have volunteered to go through it with him, stand by his side.  And the way he treats me, someone he values and someone who has stayed even when it was hard to, is to lie, sneak, and betray me.

That just sucks. For me.

Well, here we go again -my husband and I – on the roller coaster that is fueled by alcohol and lack of discipline, for lack of a better word. He was doing so well. When the charges were dismissed, I feared that he would have nothing over his head to keep him on the straigth and narrow any more and he would revert back to his ways of drinking every night. I feared that the words and promises he gave me as we walked with each other, hand-in-hand, into marriage would be forgotten. I fueled that it would go back and it would stay back.

Saturday he drank. I mean he DRANK. A response to me talking to him, his behavior causing me to panic, pushing triggers for me that ended up pushing the anxiety trigger for him. But he didn’t just stop at a beer. He had a bottle of wine. He had a twelve pack. He would not leave the house. My daughter and I left for a couple of hours, me afraid of which drunken personality of his I would get that day. He ended up passing out calm. I believe he was just looking for a reason to drink and used me as that reason. I know how the mind works – i used to have this same mindset myself.

He said he was sorry, he loved on me, he was good to me. No incidences. Until Wednesday when me trying to express to him how he completely mind fucks me sometimes was just too much for him. After I left to go assist in my daughter’s class, he stopped and got a tall boy. Ok, drinking during the day was an established no – no long ago. Not only that, he did it behind my back. Not only that, he did it after slipping a few times.  It is like I am unable to have a conversation with him about ANYTHING. It is frustrating. It isn’t fair. I talk, he does let me do that, but now I am afraid to talk to him about anything, afraid it is going to lead to him needed to get a drink because the anxiety gets the best of him or the whatever gets the best of him. He has gone through bad things in his life, he can find a different way to deal with the anxiety. The drinking, however, is just the easiest thing to do.

Then I called him on his bullshit because him following the agreements and honoring my boundaries is so important. I need him to do that so I can trust him. I need him to do that so I can trust my life.

Well, then we had our first fight. He began acting arrogant, telling me it had been long enough, etc. Sure, it would have been long enough if he hadn’t drank at all and was “re-setting”. It would have been long enough if it had been a month without alcohol, but it wasn’t. So, no, it hasn’t been long enough. And excuse me, but I get to decide when it is long enough. I am the one that has been hurt by it. I am the one that has had to deal with it. I am the one that has had to pick up the mess he has left. I am the one he hurt.

Wednesday night he drank. Left when his twelve pack was gone. Came in to talk to me a couple of times. I didn’t know he had gone and gotten another twelve back until the next day. He was a fucking mess. Thursday he drank all day long. Just until he had to go to work. Red flags going up. Just like before. Just like the summer that exhausted me and aged me. Just like when he couldn’t control it. Just like.. just like … just like …

The sneak came back. The lies came back. My Papa Bear disappeared and was replaced with this cartoon character of who he is.

Last night no alcohol. Today no alcohol. Hopefully tonight no alcohol. Hopefully he will decide that he did me pretty wrong this week and decide no alcohol tomorrow, too, on his day off. I am trying to make it  family day, a day out of the house, out celebrating the holiday, out being instead of staying in here existing. I think he feels bad. I think he feels real bad. He talked to me a little bit about his drinking. He hasn’t drank like this his whole life – something that developed when he approached thirty. I wish I knew the guy tha wasn’t a drinker. I wish I knew the guy that was active and walked and ran and hiked and didn’t touch the shit. I deserve that guy. I want that guy so desperately. I need that guy.

I went to the school again to help today. He said he hadn’t drank before work. I really want to believe him, but it is hard once that trust has been breached.

My calculations were wrong. My measurements were wrong. The amount of alcohol I believed he had consumed was wrong. So, I have to admit that I am wrong.

It makes me realize just how much trust had been broken and how easily I was to believe that nothing had changed. For that, I feel badly. This is something I realize that I am going to work on. I feel badly, but am not going to beat myself up for it, because obviously this is behavior that existed before to make it so easy to believe it would exist now.

I had an AMAZING Thanksgiving with my husband and daughter. This morning I called my father and was able to have a conversation with him without dealing with his crankiness. That is a huge plus.

I was able to call my son and daughter in Wisconsin and actually speak to them.  Meaning my ex-husband wasn’t a complete jerk and kept them away from me. That might have something to do with the fact that on December 2nd there are contempt charges being hurt by the family court commissioner.

I made killer mashed taters, ham, dinner rolls, corn, gravy, and monkey bread. We gathered around the table, told each other what we were thankful for this past year.

My husband has been absolutely beautiful to me.

Our first Thanksgiving. My first Thanksgiving meal. Today was a beautiful day. For so long, holidays were horrible for me, a way my ex-husband “punished” me for whatever I did wrong that week. Today is the first Thanksgiving in over ten years that I really enjoyed.

I am thankful for the opportunity to go to school. I am thankful that my daughter is with me, never having to worry about seeing the monster that hurt her again. I am thankful that my other two children sound as if they are doing well. I am thankful that we have the support here in New Orleans that we do. I am thankful that my husband has changed how he is doing things. I am thankful to have this day.

I woke up this morning to find that the half bottle of Crown Royal is completely gone. Now, I knew he was drinking. I did. I actually had a daiquari last night. (sp) But again, there were promises and an arrangment and an agreement. Can I really fault him? Yes. Yes, I can. Because his word should be able to mean something.

I told him when he tucked me in not to be a dumbass. I told him to not wreck my Thanksgiving – our first together.

Why does he do this every single holiday? Seriously.

So, not only do we not have to worry about him throwing his whole career and education away, I received my bond money back to the tune of $2500 and really, right now the $2500 will really help us in a lot of ways. I was informed by the probation officer yesterday that had he plead guilty or no contest they would have kept the cash bond. It doesn’t seem right, but this is the New Orleans legal system we are talking about and much of what they do doesn’t seem just nor constitutional, but that is a completely different post that I already ranted and raved about.

But, as great as that is and as much security that brings us, that is not the bestest news yet.

DRUM ROLL

BESTEST NEWS

I am going back to school next semester to pursue my teaching degree in English and Social Studies. By pursuing a degree in a specialty, I am able to teach high school grades as well as elementary grades. I take the PRAXIS test in January to be able to legally be employed by a school, outside the spectrum of substitute teaching, and would be considered a Teacher Assistant. Well, I discovered today that as long as I am working full-time as a Teaching Assistant, Louisiana has a program that will FUND MY EDUCATION TO PURSUE MY TEACHING DEGREE!!!

I am unable to get financial aid thanks to my ex-husband (a topic I don’t talk about much, but he was not an addict – ok maybe being a controlling asshole was his addiction) and it was awesome to receive that news today!

When you are on the right path, things fall into place. They really do.

This is his first offense. It is a municipal charge. If they were really worried about him, I would suspect that they would have put a no contact between him and I instead of a limited peace. A limited peace means he can be in contact with me, he simply cannot act a fool. I am just really nervous. If he has to go to jail, so much changes for me. One step. I cannot think about that. Even thinking about it is causing me to have a feeling of anxiety and of panic.

Things are still going so well and I am so very proud of him. He is doing it, step-by-step. I am hesitant to put all faith, but so far he has proven to be a man of his word. So far he has done well. so far he has honored me over the bottle. I didn’t think that would ever happen. I really didn’t.

“I’m just having a hard time right now, ” he said.

I assumed it was about something else, that will be mentioned immediately after this, I promise.

“With what?”

“With wanting to drink,” he said to me.

Wow. This admission for him is absolutely amazing.

“Anything I can do to help?” I asked.

“Not sure,” he said, coming closer to me, holding onto me.

Wow! I am so very proud.

Earlier in the day, we went to the VA Hospital to get him enrolled and to set up a physical, getting back on medication, and anger management. He was nervous, I could tell, but not for all the reasons that most would think. Over a decade ago, when in the military, he went through a very difficult time. I didn’t think that going to the VA would trigger those things for him.

On our way home, I was really sad. Not because of our situation, but for the situations that I saw at the hospital. There were not wives or girlfriends there supporting the men in their lives. In fact, I was the only female that wasn’t apart of the staff. I also felt sad for what he had gone through earlier, really feeling the impact of that.

When we got home, I told him my thoughts and my feelings. He told me how much he loved me, how he was blessed to have me, and how it was unfortunate that he went through all those things, but he had me now, so it as ok.

It is like I have the guy I fell in love with two years ago back. It is like I have my best friend. This is the first time in our ongoing, uphill battle dealing with his drinking that I have actually felt hope.